In a moment that will surely be inscribed in the annals of “totally real” history, Kid Rock’s tribute concert for the late country icon Toby Keith has reportedly eclipsed Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour peak audience numbers, according to Kid Rock, his cousin Randy, and three guys who were grilling outside the venue.
Dubbed The Real America Tour: A Tribute to Toby Keith, the concert allegedly drew “at least 5 billion people,” a number confirmed by a napkin graph and a vaguely patriotic gut feeling. “This is the biggest show in the world, ever. Bigger than Woodstock, bigger than the Super Bowl, bigger than Taylor Swift and her twelve costume changes,” shouted Kid Rock from atop a lifted Ford F-150 on stage.
Eyewitnesses claim the audience stretched “from Nashville to the Gulf of Mexico,” although satellite images show a slightly more modest crowd of around 3,200—many of whom were actually there for the adjacent Monster Truck Rally.
Meanwhile, Taylor Swift responded by releasing a cryptic Instagram story featuring a peace sign, a cowboy hat, and a single tear rolling down a glittered cheek, which fans interpreted as either shade, sarcasm, or a new album teaser.
The Department of Homeland Security issued a brief statement clarifying that the event was not, in fact, the largest gathering in U.S. history, and that “fireworks were not legally supposed to be launched from a bass boat in a retention pond.”
When asked about the audience discrepancy, Kid Rock said, “Numbers don’t lie, unless they’re from the liberal media. This was for Toby. And freedom. And also beer.”
