In yet another tragic case of wokeness gone wrong, Rachel Zegler—best known for not being able to stop talking about how much she hates the roles she gets paid millions to play—has reportedly lost a $20 million contract with Maybelline.
Yes, folks, the once-rising star, whose biggest accomplishment so far has been whining about playing Snow White, was all set to become the fresh face of the makeup brand—until, shockingly, people remembered that they don’t actually like her.
A Stunning Fall From Grace
At first, it seemed like a perfect match. Maybelline, a brand deeply committed to diversity, inclusion, and selling $14 mascara at Walgreens, saw Zegler as the ideal spokesperson. After all, she’s young, she’s outspoken, and most importantly—she loves reminding everyone that she’s not like the other girls who would have just shut up and enjoyed the Cinderella life.
But then, disaster struck. The public found out.
Despite Maybelline’s best efforts to push the deal as “groundbreaking” and “empowering,” it turns out that consumers just weren’t buying it. Because, as it turns out, people don’t want makeup advice from someone who constantly looks like she just smelled something bad.
What Went Wrong?
Maybelline insiders say the decision to drop Zegler came after several unfortunate test campaigns failed spectacularly.
- Focus groups found her “empowering” messaging to be grating and condescending. Reportedly, one ad featured Zegler looking into the camera and saying, “You don’t need makeup to be beautiful, but if you must conform to the patriarchy, at least make it Maybelline.”
- Consumers overwhelmingly responded negatively to her insistence that makeup should be “decolonized” and “redistributed fairly among oppressed groups.”
- Sales plummeted in early markets, particularly in the “non-woke suburban mom” demographic, who were apparently unimpressed by Zegler’s claims that mascara is a tool of capitalist oppression.
Maybelline executives had no choice but to cut their losses and quietly sever ties with the self-proclaimed future of Hollywood.
The Official Excuse
When news of her firing broke, Zegler’s PR team scrambled to do damage control. In a statement released through her official spokesperson, Joe Barron, they claimed:
“Rachel Zegler made the difficult decision to step away from her Maybelline contract to focus on her activism and fight for a more just and equitable world.”
Translation: She got dropped faster than a Disney live-action remake’s Rotten Tomatoes score.
What’s Next for Zegler?
Now that her Hollywood star seems to be flickering, industry insiders say Zegler is exploring new career opportunities, including:
- Writing a book about how America just “wasn’t ready” for her genius.
- Starting a GoFundMe to “deprogram” people who don’t like her.
- Auditioning for Greta Gerwig’s next movie, where she will most certainly play a misunderstood feminist icon who gives condescending monologues about why everyone else is wrong.
For now, it looks like the woke princess has finally learned a valuable lesson: When you spend all your time insulting the audience, eventually, they stop watching.
God Bless America.
